Tag Archives: Mom’s Uncensored

Living Life Without Fear

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I’ve been kicking this blog post around for awhile now, wrestling with it. I figured I would be honest about that to start.

A couple weeks ago I had a moment where things just really came to a head for me. I was frustrated, and we all know frustrated is just a fancy word for boiling anger with a lid on it. I felt trapped, like my mouth was taped shut with my ever-so-handy medical tape that works oh-so-well. (Trust me, never use Scotch again.)

For most of my life I have felt censored. Like I can’t be myself. I can’t explore the things I want to, say what I want to… and often that will result in bottled emotions (Queen of them) and blurting out things at inappropriate moments. Neither is the healthy thing to do.

My thought process led me to this: What would I be writing about if I wasn’t so afraid? What would I be doing with my life if I wasn’t scared to go out and just do it?

Now, there are legitimate fears. I, for one, shirk confrontation. I don’t like to stir the pot with those I love, and usually end up apologizing for stuff that, honestly, wasn’t my fault to begin with, just to end the fight. Being the first to apologize is okay; forgiveness isn’t really about the other person. Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves, it doesn’t mean what the other person did is right or we want them to repeat it, but it allows us to let go of those negative emotions eating our being like we are awash in acid, giving us the opportunity to move on and heal. Apologizing is okay, as long as we don’t blame ourselves in the process. Which is what I tend to do. I tend to wonder what I did wrong. What could I have done differently? Why was I blindsided with this situation? When someone lashes out at you, it isn’t personal. Ever. No one can remember that in the moment because it feels insanely personal. The other person also makes it sound personal by pointing out all sorts of nasty tidbits they think are wrong with us. It’s all misinformation. They aren’t really focused on you. All that anger they portray is actually focused inward; they are angry at themselves. Take a breath, recognize that it isn’t personal, and hold love in your heart for them. Don’t feed it with more anger. That never helps.

Another fear I have is monetary. I have a family. I am a single parent to a wonderfully expensive midget. I want what is best for him. I want to create a life that he can be proud of, one that is financially stable and where we live in comfort instead of in constant stress. So, I went back to school. I take supplementary classes. I have goals and dreams and aspirations. This will never stop. I will always be taking another class, striving for another certification or another degree. I will always be anticipating the next opportunity. Where can I go from here? The problem for me is keeping that all positive. Not being stressed out about financing daycare, paying for groceries and gas, being able to afford the classes that I know could propel me higher if lent the opportunity. I have to make a better life for me and my son. It is a necessity for me as much as breathing, but I have to remember the road to get there is the journey. The destination can change, and will, over the course of my life. The people in it change. Some will stay with me for the long haul, others come and go. The people in the foreground also shift, change places, rearrange. My son is the energizer bunny, ask anyone who has met him. I am the little engine that could. Small and shiny and blue, I will always keep riding the rails to a better future. I hope to enjoy the scenery along the way, too.

I may not always jive with everyone I meet, or everyone I love. It doesn’t mean I love them any less just because my ideas aren’t in line with theirs. I respect their separate journeys, and I happily applaud when ours intertwine. I don’t need to or want to start fights, I just don’t have the time or energy to waste for that. However, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t say what I want to share with the rest of the world just because a few people might not like it. My message is positive, it might be a little different, but it is full of light and love. All pathways lead to the same destination, eventually.

In line with this train of thought, I’m about to embark on a new journey. One that I am totally and completely scared about embarking on. I am nervous, but I am also excited. I am going to be co-hosting a web series with a wonderful friend of mine every Monday night. It will air live, completely uncut, no editing, and I will be honest and forthright for every inch of that hour. I hope you join us.

Monday, the 19th of May, 2014 launches a new Live Google Hangout web-series co-hosted by myself and Lindsay Essence, entitled “Mom’s Uncensored: Spiritual Women on Real Life.” Please join us at 9PM EST on YouTube  or Google Hangout. Hope to see you there!

 

And now I leave you with this final thought: What would you be doing in your life, this very moment, if you were Living free of Fear?